A Modest Proposal
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through the great institution of this nation that is American education (public, private, home, charter, what will you) when they see nothing but low standards, inept overpaid teachers, failing students (who are sometimes spawning three, four or six children) in buildings that are not cared for and falling apart. These students, instead of being able to further their education and find an honest livelihood, are forced to wallow in the decay that is this failed educational system.
Great teachers, instead of being able to teach for their honest livelihood are forced to deal with ill-mannered incompetent twits who either by choice opt to be ignorant or through the fault of previous teachers not teaching them anything. Good students, who want to learn, forced into classes with these ignorant fellow classmates who retard the progress of the class through their own antics and disrespect for those around them compounded by “teachers” who know nothing of their subject matter or how to actually teach. Finally these useless excuses for students, who have been socially promoted up the line either drop out or graduate with a diploma that means nothing, only to torment society with their utter lack of positive contribution (worst of all being that these ignorant wretches will vote into power whoever promises them the most entitlements).
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of students who know nothing and make the choice to learn nothing on their own is in the present deplorable state of the nation a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these students no longer a burden to the system of education or to society would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to the problems that come into American schools but help save American society itself…of course this is a bit of a given as what happens in our schools is the determining factor for society.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, one worthless student who hasn’t had the desire to learn and improve themselves, or at least lacking in enough common sense to realize the practical application of a diploma for their future, can be a severe detriment to the classroom. One such worthless student will take up the majority of a teacher’s time and effort in class dealing with classroom discipline problems, answering and re-answering questions, repeating directions ad nosium and requiring basic elementary skills to be repeated over and over again (although this is partly because Elementary and Middle School teachers may not also have done their jobs). Out of class these students also waste an unhealthy portion of a teacher’s time with tutoring sessions they never show up for, detention, and calls home which yield no results. While all students are children and given to acting immaturely at times it is at the transfer between middle school and high school that the utterly worthless students and those who will contribute to society (or at least their own lives) become differentiated enough to be distinguished. It is at this point that I suggest to permanently deal with the worthless students.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those students who cannot understand the most basic principles of biology from spawning during the years of high school which they will do if they can find a mate as dimwitted as themselves to tolerate their company for more than three minutes and thus perpetuating the cycle of losers. Further these worthless students are the most likely to make use of the public dole, contribute to the crime rate, elect tyrants who promise hope, change, and making things great again, and in general make high school unbearable for their classmates and their teachers.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
The type of useless student of which I speak is so lacking in common sense and reasoning skill that at the end of the 7th or 8th grade if a clear plastic bag were placed over their head with no additional tying down, the child being unable to realize all they would need to do is pull the bag off, would be removed from the human collective by virtue of its own stupidity before it can cause serious damage. I propose that all students of public, private, charter and home schools be gathered at either the end of 7th or 8th grade and all have such plastic bags placed over their heads (excepting those with legitimate mental handicaps, we are only attempting to remove those with no common sense and reason which sadly is a feature not tied to IQ). Those with even a modicum of common sense or reason will save themselves through a simple act removing these bags, but alas, the clueless will not be able to save themselves…
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that use of this will easily remove the worst 10% of the student body. (If we also yearly required this test of all teaching and school administration on the first round we may, by conservative estimate, lose the worst 20% of the teaching staff and at bare minimum 90% of all administrative staff…perhaps once every decade this test should be given to all public employees).
The thriftier states in need of revenue may choose to use the students who fail this test for organ donation potentials and medical school cadavers and no reasonable objection can be brought up against this very economical practice.
I grant this form of educational practice is a bit harsh, but it stems from the fact that previous teachers choose not to teach these students until they reached a point of no return for their students from which it is simply more humane to cull them rather then let them stumble ineffectively around the first rung of Maslow’s hierarchy and never progress to something that will better the lives of themselves or anyone around them. These students, via this test would demonstrate such an inability to grasp basic principles that further education would simply be a waste in their case. Further they clearly are beyond even learning the basics of work ethic on an assembly line and thus would find no way to support themselves—yes, some may object that there are those who would fail the bag test who have found a way to make a livelihood in representing the teachers union, serving in Congress or the White House, and working for the TSA and DMV, but the services currently provided by these intuitions only reveals how in need we are of the bag test to help improve the quality of the employees in theses arguably needed positions.
A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many students may pass the bag test but still prove to be not only worthless in their own lives but prove to further be drags on the classroom environment thus harming their fellow students from progressing. He conceived of at the end of the each following year for teachers to select the two or three worst students they had all year being rounded up and one at a time loaded into an oversized skeet trap. In addition to improving the school environment from that point on, he pointed out that the act of calling “PULL!” taking aim and shooting would be a great stress relief for teachers at the end of the year. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether aligned in his sentiments; for often times students who had great potential may rub this or that teacher the wrong way on a personal level and due to those in this group, no unbiased and effective metrics may be established. I admit that the bag test will not get all of the worthless students but it is the only effective measure that guarantees it does not take a student with potential by accident; and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very unjustly), as a little bit bordering upon cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, however so well intended.
Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of worthless people, who are already out of school, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day earning Darwin Awards, as fast as can be reasonably expected. I can only suggest we remove the warning labels from bleach, ammonia, and other such bottles to hasten their withdrawal from the gene and voting pools. Further for three elections in a row these wastes of space and volume have voted for the person most likely to put in policies that would hurt them the most so there is no doubt that if we stem new recruits to their ranks, their self-destructive behavior will sort itself our.
I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance. We can honestly state that a student who cannot pass the simplicity of the bag test was neither going to do well in high school or in life in general. But there are many secondary benefits to this proposal.
For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of morons in the schools and work environment. It is true that after only a decade or so putting this plan into effect the Department of Agriculture will find itself unable to find suitably incompetent employees to replace their retiring or Darwin Award winning employees, but as this branch of the government serves no logical purpose it can hardly be counted as a fault against this proposal.
Secondly, the number of high school students spawning another generation of dimwits will be greatly reduced. While even the most intelligent students may become victims to their hormones and the old brain, it is the students who would fail the bag test, unable to recognize even the most basic levels of cause and effect who currently go onto spawn litters of idiots who are incapable of learning basic life skills.
Thirdly, taxes will surely drop as the welfare and food stamp rolls will undoubtedly decrease within only a few years of this plan being put into practice.
Fourthly, the constant breeders, will no longer be asking us, the taxpayers, to repeatedly provide for their brood.
Fifthly, the petty and major crime rates will almost certainly drop as the level of stupidity it takes to paint graffiti, take drugs, or engage in theft will be greatly reduced in the general populace.
Sixthly, even elementary education will increase in standards and effectiveness after only one generation as the type of person who goes onto becoming an inept Elementary teacher (because they didn’t know what else to do with their liberal arts degree) will no longer be around to annoy their competent colleagues who come after their them or to erase the work of their skilled fellow teachers who came before them.
Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the fewer liberties given up by the public to the government as the most corrupt will lose their most consistent voting block, an increase in college education as the bright but poor will no longer be driven out of community college by the waves of astoundingly dim classmates, the contraction of the government who no longer needs to care for the most incapable, the disappearance of reality TV, SJW’s and MAGA ball caps. But this and many others I omit, being studious of brevity.
I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of stupid people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and ’twas indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the reader will observe that I calculate my remedy for every single nation on Earth as an inability to grasp even the most basic concepts is becoming a worldwide epidemic.
Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: Of coming up with national standards and national tests for each grade level; Of firing teachers who repeatedly fail to push their students to that level; Of requiring only the necessary subject matter and basic psychology education necessary and doing away with useless “professional development” which drive the competent teachers out of the field because they have better things to do than waste their time with such worthless bullshit; Of holding back students no matter how many years it takes for them to reach the standards of any grade level; Of introducing the aspects of Montessori and other alternative practices with documented success into the main stream of public education; Of reducing the size and expense of the worthless level of federal, state, county, city, and district bureaucracy for schools; Of paying teachers on merit; Of eliminating tenure; Of stopping welfare programs that encourage people to have children they cannot afford and are not capable of teaching the basics of ethics and learning to; Of demanding that parents take responsibility to start teaching their children from the moment that they come out of the womb until they have a Bachelor’s in their hands; Of enforcing discipline in the classroom; Of placing the needs of students ahead of the teacher’s union; Of ending corrupt collective bargaining powers that keep the worst teachers in place; Of the nation returning to having respect for education; Of not wasting taxpayer money on educating children of criminals who came in violation of the law and then expect to be handed all the benefits of citizenship for nothing which serves as the primary locus of taxpayer spending on illegal immigrants and destroys the chances for serious immigration reform; Of caring more about education and learning and growing as a human being than meaningless self esteem and how you feel; Of electing officials who put the needs of the education system, teachers, students and their country ahead of the desire to get reelected and get rich off campaign contributions.
Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, ’till he hath at least some glimpse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.
But, as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expense and little trouble, full in our own power.
After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, as things now stand, how they will be able to fight the teacher’s union, the Democratic Party and the media who are in a corrupt and evil collusion to keep the public as stupid as possible. And secondly, how they will not only get rid of the worst teachers, but get the best to come back after having been burned out by a system that does not respect what they are trying to do.
Now to go have some babyback ribs.