Here’s a recipe:
1 part Bernie Sanders style progressivism hatred for patriotism
3 parts Trump populism that hates GMO’s, thinks businesses are all monopolies, hates automation
1 part the terribly pretentious film Children of Men
1 part the over-rated Western Shane
1 part an X-men spinoff franchise that has never made a good movie
50,000 parts of gratuitous violence for the sake of violence
50 parts plots holes Magneto could steer a baseball stadium through
and you would then have Logan.
I don’t really know where to begin, other than to say do not waste your time with this film. Seriously don’t.
Okay, spoiler heavy plot summary.
Old man Logan in 2029 is working as a limo driver looking 50 years older than he did in days of Futures Past (which was a time line where he had endured both facing off against the Phoenix and all the shit from The Wolverine, plus several years of facing off against the Sentinels) which while being a more stressful timeline (we think) appears to have only given him a few grey hairs by 2023 (logical jumps like this are the hallmark of this film)…supposedly because the adamantium was poisoning him. He then goes on more uber-limo jobs in one day than you think possible for a man who looks like he is on his last leg. We find out he has Alzheimer’s and seizure ridden Professor X stored in Mexico because X is having seizures that cause everyone around him to be painfully paralyzed (which, if you listen closely, resulted in the deaths of seven X-men a year before).
Logan quickly gets hauled into trying to take a young mutant girl (who is actually his daughter because his genetic material was stolen at some point and used to grow offspring in labs) to Canada. This is really important because there have been no mutants born since the early 2000’s (which you think would be a big deal and would have led to some panic and less cheery moments than what we saw during at the end of Days of Futures Past, but consistency and making sense is for movies other than Logan). So, a world-weary man with an even older friend is tasked to get a girl to safety in a world where children are not being born. If this sounds like they stole the plot line of Children of Men (it’s pretentious twaddle and if you haven’t been forced to see it yet just keep doing what you’re doing), it’s because that’s exactly what they did—if I ever felt the masochistic need to torture myself by watching either film again I’m fairly certain I could find lines of dialogue that are the same. But don’t worry because halfway through the film they change the source material to steal and switch to Shane (the second most overrated Western of all time, again if you haven’t seen Shane just keep doing what you’re doing).
So in scenes that all last way too long you find out the place they’re going doesn’t exist (but apparently it does) and it’s in North Dakota (but it’s really Canada which apparently if you cross the border bad guys who will break laws about human testing and killing children will magically not cross the Canadian border in the middle of nowhere to follow you…because…Mounties are bad-ass I guess???). And then we find out the cardboard cut-out villains have made a psycho Wolverine clone (we know he’s bad because he has Sabertooth’s haircut from the first Wolverine movie) which again is kind of thematically stealing from Shane. Oh, and in this X-men universe there are also the X-men comics we know where Wolverine wears his yellow spandex (yeah because everyone who makes the news gets a comic book…what? Wasn’t this the universe where people hated mutants? Why would they get comic books…I’m so confused!) The plot really falls apart from there into mindless action and Logan sleeping for longs periods of time.
So, let’s get into the policy of this thing that wishes it could be as organized as a train wreck.
There are hints of progressivism’s attacks on Trump (as opposed to rational attacks on the bastard) with strange amounts of idiots chanting “USA! USA!” and later depicting the idea that there are only mega corporations out there who only know how to use violence to get their way. The closest this line of logic goes is at one point saying a megacorporation tried to use eminent domain to steal a guy’s farm (sound like Trump’s tactics). It’s an infantile progressive view of how the private sector works, and regrettably leads to what has to be the most one dimensional villains in the history of comic book movies (especially egregious as one of the villains is played by Richard E. Grant who has turned in some truly memorable villains ).
On the other hand, you have the populist viewpoint that them there GMO’s are what are killin’ people. Also, the hatred of automation, science, and machines in general. Drones also seem to be the work of the forces of darkness. There is a very Luddite feel to a lot of this. And the movie presents the common man, in this case the last small acreage farmer in existence, as the person truly put upon by all these terrible forces. The common people are being destroyed by these three terrible people who came from Mexico.
It’s like Steve Bannon and Bernie Sanders sat down to write this travesty of a movie.
Oh, and what’s worse is that because Deadpool was such a great R-rated film, they thought they should make Logan R-rated as well. Of course, where Deadpool used violence to aid in character development, enhance the humor, and generally for the purposes of the story…Logan uses violence for the sake of bloody, gory, totally unnecessary violence. No other point. And it’s just gratuitous, it would be gratuitous in a Tarantino film. And there was no point in having women flash their breasts other than to say “hey this is an R-rated film and we can.” This movie showed why Deadpool was the exception and shouldn’t be the rule for what rating you should shoot for with a comic book movie.
Finally, some are praising this movie for being deeper. I don’t see how. Yes, there seemed to be some deeper relationship between Logan and Charles, but the fact of the matter is that Stewart seemed to relish getting to swear like a man with Tourette’s too much for the relationship to be taken to the depth it should have. And just when Charles dies and we should be getting to a relationship between Logan and his charge, Logan proceeds to sleep through the last quarter of the film until one last big fight. There is no real time to have any relationship between these two. So, there is really no depth in the relationships. And there is even less depth in this rather hopeless view of humanity.
My only hope is that with Cable coming to Deadpool they retcon this terrible film out of existence as well.
Final Grade: F. A solid F.
Let me save you some time…here was the best part of the movie…on of the trailers from before the film.