Aloha: Hello, Goodbye, What Hell Did I Just Watch?

So watch this trailer.

It makes it look like this movie is just a mix of romantic comedy and romantic drama.  A little quirky, a little off beat, but romantic comedy, romantic drama.  Kind of like Jerry Maguire…and since it’s written and directed by the guy who wrote and directed Jerry Maguire.
What could possibly go wrong?

Everything. EVERYTHING WENT WRONG.

Have you ever complained about clunky exposition in a movie?  Well try watching a movie with not a single drop of exposition, you can be 90% of the way through this movie and you still won’t have the first idea of what is going on.  Edited together is a bizarre linear but somehow still stream of consciousness style, plot points will be introduced but never dealt with, random information that we would have like to have some inkling of before hand will come out of no where, points of character development will be brought up but never resolved…there may or may not have been a spiritual side to this movie…and there’s some preachy overtones about the evils of big business and the treatment of native Hawaiians, but as it’s never really developed into an actual theme I can’t really critique it as being liberal hogwash as even liberals put more thought into their drivel than this movie put into anything (and you know what I think of liberal ideas).

I’d talk about plot…but…um…I’m not sure what the primary plot was.  There was like seven different subplots but there was no real plot (and don’t think I mean it’s like Magnolia  or The Air I Breathe where you have different overlapping plots that all tie together in the end, no there were just thread of subplots that never came to much).  There just was no point to any of it as Cooper’s character’s redemption wasn’t the main point, the two love stories in the film weren’t the point, the family connection wasn’t the point, the possible (and incorrect) political themes weren’t the point, the Hawaii myths and spiritual beliefs weren’t the point, putting up the GoldenEye satellite wasn’t the point…I don’t know what the point was, but it certainly wasn’t anything I was shown.

Acting was excellent from most of the cast (Bill Murray hasn’t turned in a even semi-Alohacompetent performance since Groundhog Day, and this film certainly hasn’t broken that streak), but it really doesn’t matter since there was actually no point to watch it.  There were even some good scenes (for instance I will spoil the best since you really shouldn’t go to see it, there is a scene near the end where Cooper and Krasinski, who has already been established as not a talker, just stare at each other for 3 minutes nothing is said, but a lot is said, you know this because it’s actually subtitled.  It is one of the most clever and funniest things I have seen in years, and it was wasted on this piece of shit movie).  Also wasted is the line in the trailer “You are going to wear this like Flava Flav wears a clock” a terribly ridiculous line made hilarious by it being so dated—that bizarre gem is actually not in the movie.  Possibly the funniest line in the trailer, not in the movie.

Oh and again Hollywood thinks that nuclear weapons are somehow magic and work in mysterious ways.

I give this disaster of a movie a 0 out of 5.  It is not the worst film I have ever seen (that is still The Counselor) but it’s close.

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