This April the First I thought we should give praise to that wonderful civil servant who thanklessly makes our lives better: The Bureaucrat. The Bureaucrat is the most wonderful being in our government, a gift from God I am sure. Effective, caring, beneficial and needed. Never could any sane soul say that these are people who deserve to have their heads bashed in with a crowbar or that they ruin ever aspect our lives. We need bureaucrats, and we need them in every aspect of our lives. So I come not today to revile bureaucrats, but to praise them.
What would our lives be without the Bureaucrat? It would certainly be far more expensive. I mean it’s not like bureaucrats cost us billions upon billions of dollars in red tape. No, because of bureaucracy every single aspect of our lives is almost certainly cheaper. I mean can you imagine how much more expensive it would be if you did not have to seek permission from three different state agencies (at best) just to set up a small business. How much more expensive would it be if you didn’t have to go back and forth from one government office to another, as you always get clear concise, non-contradictory answers from all the branches. I can’t imagine how much more expensive things would be—they are so helpful giving concise directions/instruction and guiding you to the next step.
And without the bureaucrat, who would protect us. I mean there are literally small children out there looking to sell lemonade without a business license, without filing the proper tax paperwork, without letting the health department inspect their kitchen, without filing with the labor board, and without making sure they are working in an area zoned for commerce. Without bureaucrats who would be there to fine these little wannabe anarchists and murderers. I mean honestly can you think of anything more sociopathic and devoid of all ethics than a small child attempting to sell lemonade. Thank god we have bureaucrats to stop the madness and end the sociopathic behavior almost indicative of Nazism. I mean think about it, if you were looking for how someone who would have been in the Gestapo during the Nazi regime and transplanted them into modern America, what would they be doing to still get their jollies off, hurting others without reason, gains glee from acting as inhuman as possible…they’d be selling lemonade without a permit. And don’t get me started on those psychopaths who think that they don’t need a license to braid hair or teach yoga. If it weren’t for bureaucrats what would we do in the face of such evil?
And let’s be honest, there is not a smarter bunch of people. One might worry that a job known for hiring felons; that you only need a high school diploma for and from which it is a labor of Hercules to fire for gross incompetence might attract the kind of people who would get fired from McDonald’s…but no there is no brighter group than the bureaucrat. I mean who else could have been bright enough to hire so noble a patriot as Snowden, who had made it clear on several public internet sites that he had the intention of committing treason, to have full access to all of our secrets. Only the bureaucrat my friends. Only the kind of intelligence that would leave us mere mortals with a sense of dread and awe to behold it. Faced next to the bureaucrat our minds pale in comparison. Just look at their superior logic; that is beyond our feeble brains. Only a bureaucrat has the prowess to understand that a city ordinance requiring you to cut down a tree and a county ordinance threatening you with a fine if you cut down said tree is perfectly fine. Your petty mind may recoil at such things, but not the superior mind of the bureaucrat. And this is why they are entitled to life-long jobs with little supervision, they are just better than us. Remember that the normal subtleties of life are beyond the masses comprehension
And speaking of them being better than us. Do not forget that they are above suspicion. And if the feeble minded dare question them then the feeble minded should be shamed and possibly fined. These are the most honest people which is why so many are not required to pay taxes.
And let us not forget that they protect us in other ways. For instance there are people with terminal diseases out there who think that just because they’re guaranteed to die long and painful deaths they have nothing to risk by taking experimental drugs that could cure them. Silly people. Were it not for bureaucrats these people with fatal diseases could take something that might kill them.
And have you ever seen a more honest group of people. I mean when the hard-drives at the IRS all crashed at the same time, it was the noble bureaucrats at the IRS who told the American public that they were having technical problems. They could have tried to hide it for months on end, but did they? Did they? I think we all know the answer when dealing with this group of moral pillars.
And there are things out there that could hurt you, like dating services and guns and travel clubs and pornography and buying coins…but thankfully through the brave efforts of bureaucrats in Operation Choke Point bureaucrats have done what they knew to be right and used pressure to tell banks to close bank accounts for people who have these kinds of business so they could not possibly do business. Did bureaucrats wait for laws to be passed to give them the power to do these things? No. Did they care that doing so was a major violation of the law? Not in the least. Why? Because they care about you and they know far better than you what is good for you. They alone know that you aren’t mature enough to handle guns…unlike our fast and furious friends to the South, who bureaucrats know are such wonderful people they need more guns.
Did I mention humble? Oh what a humble bunch. For people who know that not only is their word law, but that they are above the law. But do they lord it over people by declaring that ugly fish are more important than people? Do they act like they’re superiors by coming up with fake lists of patients seen while people die? Do they treat Native Americans like children for over a century creating a culture of dependency? Do they treat your time dismissively by spending hours looking at porn in the office? Do they make you wait in endless lines, show no sympathy for your plight and reject paper for even the slightest flaw which common sense could clearly correct on the spot…I think we all know that answer of how these humble warriors are always looking out for us.
And let’s be honest we’re never safer than in the hands of the bureaucracy. I mean it’s not like there is actually a word for government employees looking to shoot up innocent people, I mean you’d have to go completely postal to believe that.
No, let us get down on our knees and thank our wonderful bureaucrats (really we have to, they’re cracking the whip right now) and dismiss those who say that more than term limits on politicians there needs to be term limits for bureaucrats, let us reject the foolish call for more oversight and harsher punishment for bureaucrats who break the law (as if such a thing would ever happen), let us perish the thought of hiring freeze and attrition, and certainly diminish the idea of firing them wholesale. I mean it’s not like their unions paid politicians off to give them pensions so outrageous they will bankrupt every state, county and city in America given enough time.
Let us remember that without bureaucrats Congress, the president, state legislatures, the attorney general, none of them could get done what they do without bureaucrats carrying out their every order. Their noble work would never be accomplished without bureaucrats following and doing as they were told without question and with the patriotic zeal that never seeks to stop the free-market, or just human interaction— without them we would be nothing.
I dream of the day when all children desire and strive to be part of that holiest of holy groups – the BUREAUCRAT!