Diet Shock Collars and Three Other Things Government Reinvention Would Ruin

Dieting apps are a big market. I can type in “dieting apps” on my iPhone and get over 5,000 results, many of them free, all of them fairly user friendly, created by individuals and companies and probably rather cheaply.

They market them to the young and old, diabetic and healthy, they have options to scan the barcodes on your food, track your exercise, and give you exercise tips and recipe suggestions to keep you track.

Of course, like me, most people download the apps, use them for a few days, then promptly return to their old habits because the app is too time consuming, boring, or makes them feel guilty for eating an entire box of girl scout cookies while binge watching season 2 of House of Cards on Netflix (I’m behind okay, I have a life outside of the Underwoods!).

The point, however, is that the market provided a product for a minimal cost that the consumer wanted. Then the federal government decided they needed to commandeer approximately $150,000 from the tax payers to build a bulkier, creepier, and more useless version of these apps in the form of what is essentially a human dieting shock collar.

Why?

Because if there’s something a private business can build, the feds need to prove they can build it slower, more antiquated, and more likely to be compared to something used to control the populace in a dystopian movie like The Hunger Games.

(haha, dieting collar…the hunger games, I’m funny!)

Here’s another 5 popular modern devices that the feds can use our taxes to make their own crappy versions.

1.) Snapchat:

The federal government version of this popular app is basically just a polaroid camera, a permanent marker, emoji stickers, a box of stamps, and a lighter. Take the picture, write your message, slap a few sticker emojis on that baby, and mail it off to your friend through the United States postal service. In a week or so they can get it, laugh at it, and then light it on fire to dispose of it so there is never a record of the strange facial expression you thought was so clever last week.

Reminder: polaroid film is toxic, so don’t breathe the fumes while burning the picture.

2.) Amusement parks:

Despite the amount of government regulation that are already on amusement parks in the private sector, the government decided that there was still a little too much “caveat emptor” involved in a visit to Disney Land and so they decided a government option was needed.

The rides are all stationary with a rousing video demonstration of what it would be like to ride a real roller coaster, but still include 5 different safety harnesses, six different ones if you are under the age of 18.

The unhealthy nature of amusement park food in private businesses was also an issue. Instead of funnel cakes and corn dogs, at the government amusement park you can look forward to gluten free, organic, hypo-allergenic choices like steamed kale and tofu.

3.) Twitter: 

Here’s another popular app that the federal government decided they needed to take time and money to redevelop on their own. Of course there are some differences from the original. Mostly in that the 140 character limit is imposed because there’s only so much you can fit on a piece of paper the right size for a carrier pigeon.

Another notable change is that hate mail via the government version is more about training your carrier pigeon to crap on people you don’t like rather than actual hate mail.

__

Basically the government is 20 steps behind the free market on any given day and they don’t need to reinvent the wheel…especially when the first inventor of the wheel did it faster, cheaper, and actually succeeded at making it round rather than the clunky square thing the government would have come up with.

They especially don’t need to reinvent the wheel using our tax money.

We already have what we want and we don’t need shock collars or carrier pigeons or polaroids anymore.

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Categorised in: America, Economy, Entertainment, Humor

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