Here at Elementary Politics we are out to keep you on top of both politics and pop culture. As such we have noticed that tumblr has revealed these two things are both crossing and the cause of the upcoming film Captain America: Civil War.
But while it is all too clear that Tony Stark is backing Mitt Romney and Capt. Steve “let me end the surveillance state” Edward Snowden Rogers is unquestionably in the Rand/Ron Paul camp we decided to where other heroes were standing in their current support for possible presidential contenders.
So we reached out to our favorite superheroes (and even a few villains) from our favorite movies (unless we otherwise state) and here is what they had to say…
Iron Man [from the movies]: “I successfully privatized national security and now we need someone who can work to privatize the rest of government. We need another smart businessman like me. I am for Mitt.”
The Incredible Hulk: “Hulk like Ted Cruz. Cruz not big on strategy. Cruz SMASH!”
Scott “Cyclops” Summers: Well John Kasich seems to be a reasonable, intelligent, and utterly dull human being. Just my type.”
Harvey “Two-Face” Dent: Well it all depends. Heads, I go with the latest progeny of the two-faced family of losers known as Jeb—Tails, I got with Santorum the only person who will bring about a chaos and the madness the world deserves as punishment.”
Dr. Bruce Banner: “Despite what the other guy has to say, as a Doctor, I feel a certain kinship with Dr. Ben Carson.”
Groot: “I am Groot” [it should be noted this came with a picture of Rick Perry…we assume it has something to do with Perry’s equal ability for articulation.]
Superman: “Well, I was originally going to go with Paul Ryan—a man of unquestionable ethics and intelligence, a true patriot. But as he has backed out and supported Mitt Romney I too will be joining Ryan in supporting the man I supported last time, the man who believes as I do, in America. Truth, Justice, and the America way guides Romney as well as me. ”
Thor: “Chris of Christy, Lord of New Jersey, appeals to me. He speaks his mind, and I admire that.”
The Green Arrow [from the comics]: I will never back one of those corrupt Republicans. It’s Hillary all the way.
The Green Arrow [from the TV show]: Despite my counterparts more extreme views I understand that we need someone of moderation who can appeal to all sides while still creating a strong economy. I like Chris Christie.”
Erik “Magneto” Lehnsherr: I need someone with a single-minded view, who will get things done without worry about legality. Also I need someone who will let me out of jail if I claim to have ‘found Christ’ so I can continue with my plans. Obviously I am backing Mike Huckabee.”
Prof. Charles “X.” Xavier: “Well I need someone I could have long boring conversations with that no would possibly understand. Bobby Jindal.”
Logan the Wolverine: Ted Cruz. Like me he just rushes in without thinking. Also like me he’s a Canadian citizen.
General Zod: KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! (We think that’s going to be a write in)
Aquaman: “Well we all know Marco Rubio drinks water…even raises money on this fact. I like him.”
Dark Phoenix: “Only Joe Biden can possibly bring about the apocalypse that I wish to occur. Joe Biden!”
Deadpool: “I’m supporting a duck…or Vladimir Putin…maybe…we’ll see on voting day how I feel.”
Batman: “Only Mitt Romney, a businessman with experience, intelligence and foresight has the ability to see America through. Only he can provide an incorruptible vision and serve as the beacon for America as he brings it out of the hellhole it has been dragged through. Also, I’m Batman.”
Bane: “The inequality of this country has gone on long enough. The rich must be taken down from their high places and made to stand trial for their corruption. Elizabeth Warren 2016!” [At least that’s what we think he said…it was kind of hard to understand him.]
Spiderman: “Jeb Bush. Like me he wants to do the right thing even though he doesn’t always do the right thing, like me. He supports amnesty, I got my girlfriend killed. We all make mistakes but we all deserve another chance…and another movie.” [The editors would also like to point out that Bush’s campaign is the political equivalent of doing a Saturday Night Fever Emo walk down a New York street, like Spiderman].
Hal Jordan/Green Lantern: “In brightest day, in darkness night it is clear to me that Scott Walker is an intelligent and honest man…but he has no chance of being number one, like me.”
Tony Stark/Iron Man [from the comics]: “Just as I want to force all Superheroes to register with big government, Rick Perry saw the truth of the matter that all women needed to vaccinated against the HPV virus whether they wanted it or not, he saw that some things need to be forced even if law says no. Rick Perry is my man.”
Lex Luthor: “I feel that I can get the most cronyist contracts for LexCorp out of a new Clinton administration. I want Hillary.” [It should be noted that Hillary is possibly the most easily to blackmail and bribe.]
Starlord Peter Quill: “I was thinking of returning to Earth at some point and since I have to live on Earth I want to make sure you have a President who won’t allow it to be blow up before I get back. So my man is John Bolton, he seems like he would stand up to the tyrants of Earth. Also he’s President of Red Eye and they have just my kind of humor.”
Rocket Raccoon: “I want to be left alone to do my own thing. Rand Paul seems like he’d get rid of all those pesky laws.”
Captain Steven Rodgers: “Like me Rand Paul believes that the US military and intelligence communities are Nazis out to destroy our liberties and must be destroyed. It is the only way for America.”
The Joker: “You wanna know how I got these scars? I was just so happy when I heard Rick Santorum was running again that I wanted to make sure the joy that was in me would always show on my face. I like chaos…and nothing will bring chaos like that psycho’s plan. I like him. This country deservers a worse class of politician, and Santorum will give us that.”
Loki: “You pathetic humans, you need someone to tell you what to do, what to eat, who lives and who dies. You need Mike Huckabee. He is comfortable with telling people what to do and understands you were made to be ruled.”
Wonder Woman: “As the leader of hundreds of Amazonian warriors I have nothing but respect for a man who spend time going over binders of women’s resumes looking for the most qualified people for jobs. Ann Romney’s husband has my vote.”