The Counselor: An enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by a terrible plot, submerged in pretentiousness

“I’d say pretty bad…then multiply it by ten.”the-counselor-poster-224x300

This was the kind of witty line from the trailer of The Counselor which made it seem like the film was going to be some kind of dark crime drama. You think it’s describing events in the plot…but in reality it’s describing the overall quality of the film. This is without a doubt the worst film I have seen this year—and I saw The Lone Ranger.

I want you to imagine Sartre, Camus, Kierkegaard and Foucault going out for drinks…now imagine a movie that made even less sense than the existentialist rot that these idiots would spout. This movie made no sense, no sense whatsoever.


If you watch the trailer you see Pitt, Diaz, Bardem, Fassbender, and Cruz and you think this has a decent cast…you watch the trailer and you think there is a story here about corruption, getting too far into the drug trade and the aftermath of these bad decisions. You expect something dark, hopefully powerful. But there is nothing in this the trailer or any of the advertising to suggest that everyone in the movie is going to sound like their a third year philosophy student, where every member of the Mexican Cartels has clearly taken courses on postmodernist ideals with talks of worlds that are and worlds that aren’t and how your perception of these worlds changes other worlds and creates worlds and destroys worlds (no I’m not making this up or exaggerating in any way, this happened)…to the point that even the guy who runs the dive bar in Juarez is ready to give a lecture on the pointlessness of life and death and which is more meaningless. According to this movie Mexico’s chief export is not drugs or crime…but rather pretentious theoretical claptrap.

If you need to know, the plot revolved around The Counselor (we never know his name) a defense attorney who gets involved in a drug trade (it’s never made clear exactly what he did to get involved…I guess the cartels are now setting up joint-stock companies for their drug deals)…but it all falls apart and everyone involved is killed. Oh, and Cameron Diaz sexually molests a Ferrari in there somewhere too (don’t ask, don’t ever ask). In amongst this everyone gives speeches on the meaninglessness of existence that are so preposterous they make you yearn for the natural rhythms of dialogue written by Ayn Rand.

This movie is what happens when you get an adequate writer like Cormac McCarthy who bought all the BS critics have said about his subpar prose and now thinks he is the world’s next Shakespeare and match it with a director who has become equally deluded about his skill. This is what happens when hacks think that long speeches on meaninglessness are somehow deep and not just pathetic, that unnatural language patterns will get you compared to Shakespeare or Faulkner and not just show you’re kind of dumb.

Do not ever waste your money on this film. Not even on Netflix because even that would be 2 hours of your life you will never get back.

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